CHAPTER 30
When l come to, he’s dressed and
about to slip out on me.
That’s probably
fitting, given the way I ran out on March the first time we had
sex. The universe has a way of rewarding people with what they
deserve. I’m not sure what this says about me.
No, I do, actually.
It says things I don’t enjoy hearing.
I push up onto my
elbow. “You weren’t going to wake me?”
“I didn’t want to
bother you.” That sounds like an excuse.
“I need you more than
sleep.” The words feel barbed coming out of my mouth. There, I said
it, damn him.
“You don’t need me,”
he says with quiet finality. “You want me. You might even love me.
But you don’t need me. I wish you did.”
Is this because I
wouldn’t lean on him? Didn’t want to become physically
dependent?
He goes on, “They
need me in planning sessions. Though we’ve retreated, we can’t just
hunker down here. We need to talk strategy and coordinate the war
effort. The McCulloughs won’t settle for anything less than a full
hostile takeover, so we have to exterminate them.” He sounds so
cold.
A chill courses
through me. March tries so hard to suppress this side of his
personality, the darkness where he lost his soul once before. In
the shadows his face looks almost inhuman, taut and graven. I’ve
never seen him wear an expression quite like this, as if he’s
switched his feelings off.
“Don’t let me keep
you.” I want to get dressed, but I won’t crawl out from under the
blanket. His eyes sear like lasers.
He hesitates, as if
there’s something more he wants to say. And then: “I’m glad you’re
safe, Jax.”
I just nod. Not
exactly an impassioned declaration, but this isn’t the moment for
them either. As soon as he leaves, I scramble for my clothes, still
scattered where we threw them earlier. I’m not sure how long I’ve
been out.
Noise levels outside
indicate some of the clan has retired for a few hours at least. I
dress quickly and push my way out of the tent. They’ve left guards
posted, which makes sense, in case Doc is wrong, and the
McCulloughs do find us. The diminished
crowds mean I can make my way around easier.
In the hours I slept,
they’ve done more work on the encampment. Makeshift barricades now
sit before the two exits to the tunnels, along with motion
detectors. Well, at least nobody’s sneaking up our
backsides.
I don’t know what I’m
supposed to do next. Clearly I’m not welcome in the strategy
meetings, not that I would have anything of value to offer. Of the
clansmen still awake, most seem to know who I am, based on their
glaring. I move away from March’s tent, feeling rather
aimless.
I’m a fucking jumper,
for Mary’s sake. I don’t belong down here. This isn’t even my
fight. I had nothing to do with the McCulloughs deciding my visit
portended Conglomerate interference in local politics. I
sigh.
Maybe my basic
medical training would make me somewhat useful to Doc, so I head
that way. I swing around a crate of disorganized supplies and spot
my favorite guardian. To be honest, I register a tiny flicker of
relief.
“I’ve been looking
everywhere for you,” Jael says, vaulting over the parts. “Tarn’s
going to fire me if I don’t get you out of here.”
I can’t help but arch
my brows. “That’s your concern? Take a
look around, genius. We’re in danger of being killed by clansmen,
one way or another. If Gunnar-Dahlgren doesn’t do it, the
McCulloughs will.”
“Not on my
watch.”
A snicker escapes me.
“You’re the worst bodyguard ever.”
“Right, I admit I may
not have been as vigilant as I ought. But I had no idea this was a
high-risk environment. I didn’t do enough research on this
fucked-up, Mary-forsaken hellhole.”
“You’re not enjoying
our goodwill tour then?” It ought to be against the law to derive
so much amusement from one person.
“Puzzled that out for
yourself, did you?”
I realize I haven’t
asked about the important stuff, so I leave off messing with him.
“Is Dina all right? What about the ship?”
He sucks in a sharp
breath, as if being reminded hurts him, and shakes his head. “I’m
sorry. I don’t know whether she’ll make it.”
My stomach lurches.
“Dina? Or the ship.”
“The ship’s a dead
loss,” he answers. “I carried our girl in, but she bled out a lot
before I tied the wound off. She’s lost a leg, for sure, and I
don’t know if they can replace it.”
“You ass!” I can’t
believe he stood there talking about getting me off planet when
Dina might be dying.
I try to push past
him, but he snags my shoulders. “Hey, where you going? She’s
sedated, Jax. You mean to go wake her up with your wailing, inhibit
the healing process, and annoy the doc?”
“I just need to see
her, that’s all.”
His icy gaze searches
mine for a moment before he gives a short nod. “Right. I’m not
letting you out of my sight again, so I’ll come along.”
I shrug. It doesn’t
matter if I have a shadow. We weave through the narrow passages
leading back to medical. I don’t see Doc anywhere, but his friend
Rose greets me with a cool glance.
“You’re checking on
your ship’s mechanic?”
My teeth clench.
Maybe the vids still show me as a spoiled little nav-star, but I
don’t use people like that anymore, thinking only of what they can
do for me. Dina’s my friend. But before I can start a fight—and I’m
tempted— Jael says smoothly, “Yeah. Any change?”
Like I’m not even
there, she gestures for him to follow her toward the back. As I
slink along in their wake, I decide I must be the worst ambassador
in the history of diplomacy. Well, except for Karl Fitzwilliam, who
started the Axis Wars.
Now there’s a comforting thought.
The number of wounded
has diminished since I dropped Doc here. I hope they recovered, not
died, but I don’t put much faith in the reality of that outcome.
It’s going to take a miracle to save us, and maybe the ones who
have already gone through that final door are the lucky ones. I’d
take a fast death over one that lingers.
She’s so pale.
At first she doesn’t
even seem to be breathing. Her fair hair has been brushed back from
her brow, and for the first time, I notice she has a heart-shaped
face. Her gruff manner disguises the fact somewhat, but in repose,
Dina is quite pretty. No wonder Jael can’t resist flirting with
her, even though he knows it’s a lost cause.
“Did you manage to
find a prosthetic?”
On some level, I
acknowledge it makes sense for him to make the inquiries because
he’s the one who saved her life. He’s the
one who carried her to safety. A hot, angry sensationboils in my
stomach because I wasn’t there for someone I care about, as if I
could’ve changed things somehow.
It’s not logical. I
didn’t let Vel down on Emry, and I know I can’t be everywhere at
once, but damn March anyway. He’s infected me with his devastating
sense of moral responsibility.
“It’s far from
ideal,” Rose says softly. “But we managed to salvage a limb from .
. . elsewhere. So far, no signs of rejection, but we weren’t able
to do extensive tissue testing. We had to graft or cauterize the
nerves. Doc made the call.”
Elsewhere.
How do you gaze into
a pile of dead bodies and decide what leg to harvest? My breath
gusts out in a shaky sound, drawing their attention. “Is she
stable?”
Rose doesn’t meet my
gaze. “I’ll be honest, Ambassador. We’ve only been able to save one
person, after such a mauling. I’m astonished your friend has lasted
this long, between shock, blood loss, and myriad other factors. If
you put any stock in any gods at all, now is the time to address
yourself to them.”
I nod. “Is there
anything I can do?”
“Just stay out of the
way and let me do my job,” she answers.
That’s clearly a
dismissal, so I turn, sensing Jael fall in step. I know what it was
like out there for him amid the rush of wings, carnage at every
turn. Yet he came through it, and though he doesn’t seem inclined
to view himself that way, he’s a hero, too. Damn, why am I
surrounded by them on all sides?
“You risked your life
to save her,” I say in neutral tones. “Why?”
He gives me a faint
smile. “The fact that you’d even ask proves you don’t know anything
about me.”
